The thing that really sticks out to me most about your post, is the suicidal part. The things you have said are a sure sign of major depression. It's unbelievable that you have lasted this long, and that shows just how strong you are, and just how capable you are.
I really advise you to go to the doctor and make an appointment with a psychologist, possibly even a psychiatrist, but don't feel daunted or embarrassed about the fact that you need to see one, so many people see them, more than you can even imagine. They are merely there to help you through some difficult times, and trust me they really work.
You really need to talk to someone, and possibly even take some medication for the symptoms you are feeling. Or instead of medication like anti-depressants, you could just stick with seeing a psychologist, just talk about how you're feeling, and they will offer some advice.

You cannot talk to your parents? I know how you feel, you feel as if they will treat you differently, or not understand properly? See you as a different person or try and send you off to a psych ward?
None of this will happen I can assure you. They will simply want to help you feel better and become more healthy. They will probably refer you to a psychologist, like I previously stated, which will help you! I suggest you try talking to them, they will understand more than you think sometimes. Also about your friend, just because you have never talked about such intimate and personal issues, doesn't mean they haven't gone through the same thing or is going through the same thing or knows someone else who has. Talking to friends can help sometimes.

As for this girl that you still like, you really need to, for lack of a better word, get over it. I know that sounds so harsh and mean but really, it's best for you, and will help you most if you move on and just think that because you didn't end up with her, that just means she wasn't your soul mate, but don't worry because there are another 60 billion people in the world! You should look forward to meeting new people!

Please please, try to talk to someone, whether it be a psychologist, friend or parents, it will help you feel a lot better, no one deserves to go through something like this for so long.
Please feel better soon.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk about anything.

Good luck and please feel better soon!

Have a lovely day.

Posted at 3:28 am on Nov. 21, 2008

All I could think about when you said that you've been so severely unhappy for all these years is how unbelievably difficult that must have been to struggle through this alone for so long.  No one should have to do that.  You have every right in the world to be completely frustrated and upset right now.  It's definitely time to do something to try to turn this around.  You're absolutely right that you can only put up with this for so long.

To start, I think it's pretty clear that you are severely unhappy.  Not just "kind of down" or "having a bad day".  That is a major sign of clinical depression, especially when coupled with the constant thoughts of suicide you're having.  While it is possible to get past depression without the help of a doctor, it can be extremely difficult.  Above anything else, I really want to recommend that you try talking to someone about this and hopefully get some medical attention (or are at least screened for depression).  If you are covered by your parents insurance, this will probably involve talking to them about what you're going through.

I completely understand that talking to a parent about emotional stuff can be really awkward and uncomfortable.  I know for me when I was in high school and dealing with a lot of stuff, I didn't want to tell my mom because I didn't want her to think that I couldn't take care of things on my own, and I didn't want her to worry about it.  In the long run though, your parents really do care about you (you said it yourself...) and they would most likely do anything to help you get through this.  Will that initial conversation when you admit to what you've been feeling be uncomfortable?  Yeah, probably.  But trust me, it gets a lot easier after you get everything out into the open.  You start to realize that you're parents are human beings too, and that they understand you aren't perfect.  They really want what's best for you.  All you have to do is let them help you.  I cannot stress enough how worth it is to let them.

If you absolutely cannot talk to your parents for whatever reason, I urge you to seek out a friend you can confide in.  You said that you have a really close friend, but you really don't talk about things.  I just want to point out that just because you haven't ever talked about this before doesn't mean you're not allowed to now.  Friends are supposed to be there for you in times like this.  They are a fantastic resource for whenever you really just need someone to talk to, vent, or just let everything out.  It might seem like it's not worth the risk or trouble, but I think that in the long run having a friend that's going to be there for you through this could really help a lot.  These negative feelings you're having aren't just going to go away overnight, even if you get some treatment for it, and having someone who knows what's going on could make it a little easier.

If none of these are options, you may want to consider taking some time to talk to a school counselor.  You wouldn't have to tell your friends or parents about it at all, and you would have no obligation to receive any treatment.  However it could really help you to take some of this off your shoulders by just talking to someone in a confidential and professional atmosphere.  I know meeting up with a stranger to do this is intimidating, but counselors are really just normal people who want to help people in your situation.  It's definitely worth a shot, at least.

Again, you are dealing with a tremendous amount of pretty negative feelings here.  You've been feeling like this for a really long time, and I think it's time for a change.  You absolutely aren't a "wuss" for not hurting yourself yet.  In fact, I'd say it's the exact opposite.  It takes a lot out of a person to fight so long through all this, and you've managed to do it for four years.  That takes a pretty strong person, in my opinion.  However, it's time to let someone else help you fight this.  You can't do this alone forever.  There are so many better, happier sides to life that you're missing out on by shutting everyone out.

Obviously, no one can force you to do anything here.  All I can do is strongly urge you to reach out for help.  Your life and happiness are worth it.  You deserve so much more out of life than what you've been experiencing for the last few years, but it's up to you to take that first step and reach out.  You can help get yourself out of this.

I really wish the best for you.  If you want to talk to someone at all, or have any questions, feel free to PM me.  I would be happy to help.  

Take care.

-Isobel


Posted at 8:09 am on Nov. 20, 2008

I just really want to tell you straight up that you have been strong keeping your head up. I respect that from you. If you really need to talk to someone, I'd be most willing to talk with you. I'd like to tell you that although life can be hard, it always turns out better later on when you least expect it to. As for finding someone, just leave a open hand about it and someone might just grab hold and she might be that lucky girl. Well all hope seems lost and theres no one to pick you up, theres that time where you have to realize that you are as strong as anybody else to pick yourself up even though bad things bring you down.
Once you get pass that, Its most definate that things will flip around.
If you really need someone to talk to,
feel free to Messege me

- rufoo

Posted at 8:25 pm on Nov. 19, 2008