You seem to be going through a tough time right now, which is understandable. I know if I were in your position, I'd feel the same way. Not only that, but anxiety and depression runs thick in your family which can only add to the problems you are having. You mentioned your mother telling you to start taking Cymbalta. I'd take your mother's advice into consideration. She's been through the depression you're going through right now and if she thinks you need medication, at least talk to a doctor about it. Medication doesn't always make you feel numb. From experience, I've had nothing but great things come from anxiety medication. Personally, I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders since I've started my medication, so you should really think about it. Also, alcohol is no substitute for medication. Alcohol makes you numb, and to be honest, that is the high you're feeling. You have no worries when you're drunk, and allowing your drinking to become a habit will lead you into alcoholism.
Shopping is also not a good outlet. Shopping only causes more financial problems and more stress. I know as a girl, it feels good to go and treat yourself to something new. It really does make you feel better, too. But as you said, that hour of shopping isn't worth the financial problems you face later.
As far as your daughter goes, I think you need to get some help with her. If you decide medication is the best choice for you, I think the situation with her will get better. You must remember that it's not her fault. She's just a child and it's not her fault you're going through a tough time. Try to spend time with her. If you send her away too much, it may effect your future relationship with her.
Suicidal thoughts are normal. As normal as the thoughts may be, it's never okay to act on them or harm yourself. Cutting is NOT the answer. You mentioned not wanting to talk to your boyfriend about these problems. I can't force you into talking to him, but if he really does care, he'll try his best to be there and help you through all this. However, if you don't want to risk your relationship, try finding someone else to talk to. If you're in college, most campuses offer free counseling. If not, most doctors are always there to talk. Hey, I'm even here to talk if you need me. Just don't let that cutting become a habit. It leads to nothing but trouble.
If you need anything else or just want to talk, feel free to PM me.
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