I think that one of the hardest things to do sometimes is admit that there's only so much you can do for a person.  Obviously this guy means a lot to you, and you probably would do anything to get him back on his feet and happy again.  The catch though is that if you allow yourself to do anything, you're going to end up holding yourself back.

As it is right now, you've got a lot going on in your life that deserves attention.  You're in college, and you need to do well with your studies, as well as try your best to enjoy the overall experience some.  This is a unique time in your life and it's important that you don't let it just pass by.  I can understand that you want to stay there for your friend and get him through this, but there is only so much that you can do for him.  You can't throw everything else away just to try to pull him out of the hole he's in.  

What I recommend at this point is to do as much as you can for him without letting it bring yourself down.  I'm not you, and I can't say specifically what that might entail.  If you're so attached to him that you can't really even talk to him without becoming completely overwhelmed, then maybe it's time to take a break.  Don't just abandon him, but explain to him that in order to be there for him, you need a break just to sort things out in your own life.  Of course this will be hard on him, but sometimes you need to do stuff like this just to get by.

If you think you can keep up a fairly normal relationship with him without becoming too involved, then I think it's best you do that.  Cut back a little on the time and energy you are putting into saving this guy, and instead focus on making sure that all the time you do spend talking to him is worthwhile.  Additionally, is there any way you could find someone that could help to take some of the burden of helping him off your shoulders?  By that I mean is it possible that you could talk to his current family about some of this?  Or possibly find someone who works with foster kids (I'm just assuming that's the situation...) who could spend some time with him.  Doing something like that might seem to you like you're just dumping him onto someone else, but in reality you're most likely giving him a resource that is better equipped to handle things.

Again, I can understand how separating from him a bit could be really hard to deal with.  Letting go of someone who you want to help so badly is never an easy thing to do.  However, if you keep putting so much of yourself into him that you yourself break down, what good is it going to do?  You need to be able to stay on top of life, happy and healthy if you want to stand any chance of ever helping this kid out.  That's the biggest thing to remember.  Helping people does involve giving a piece of yourself for another person, but it does not mean you have to give all of yourself.  

You mentioned that distancing yourself from him would be "selfish" but I really don't think that's true at all.  There is a distinct difference between being selfish and between doing what's best for both of you in the long run, and in this situation I think that there needs to be a change.  You both deserve something new here.  Maybe a little change is the spark that can get things turned around for the two of you.

Good luck with everything.  I think you've got the right ideas already, and all that needs to be done is to do what you already know is right (this will obviously be the more challenging part).  If you need to talk to someone during any of this, feel free to send me a message.  I would be happy to help.

Take care.

-Isobel

Posted at 4:47 pm on Nov. 24, 2008

I understand what you're going through about the best friend thing, and if you feel like you two should take a little break - I think you need to make that decision, and just go for it. Like you said, you're busy trying to do your thing, and he's kind of boggling you down, and that's the last thing you need.  Sometimes people need a little separation in order to get their problems straightened out, then maybe that's what he needs.  He needs to realize that you have issues as well, and you have needs too. A friendship is just like any other relationship, where the effort must be 50/50, and both parties must bring equal support and trust into the relationship in order for it to be functional.

You two have a dysfunctional relationship, definitely, but it sounds like it's functional in it's dysfunctionalism. Maybe you two can develop your own system that works. For example, my best friend and I are awesome together, but then we get these periods where we're sniping at each other necks, and we know it's time for that break again. And we take that break, recuperate, and we're back on track. Some relationships need that; it's perfectly normal.  If you can't stand being around him for long periods of time, then get away from him for long periods of time.  After harboring these feelings for seven years - that's just 3 years shy of a decade - I can imagine that it could cause a sting.  But if you do start hanging around him less often, make sure you talk to him about it, let him know that you just need a little break.

Maybe this best friend is a chapter in your life that you are writing your concluding paragraphs to.  People just separate, they grow apart, it's a natural occurrence in life.  We stop sucking our thumbs, we don't need our blankie, we stop being so dependent on that bottle.  He has something he needs to do in his life; you have something that you need to do. You both just need to go ahead and do those things and worry about each other later. You love each other - sure, it may not be anything more than platonic love on his part, but there are some strong feelings there.  You're not going to forget about him, and he's not going to forget about you. Some separation sounds like a good thing here.  It's fine if you don't want to let him go - change is very scary thing. It's different; you have to adjust to it, but you will definitely adjust.

And then maybe down the road you two will meet back up with each other, and his car will be fixed and he'll take you to his new house and make you dinner. College is a time for new beginnings - it's time you start yours.

If you ever need any help at all, just give me a jingle with a PM, and I'm there.  Hope this helps.

-Britt

Posted at 10:01 pm on Nov. 21, 2008