it's turned into a vicious cycle. i eat. i feel bad. i try to purge, but no matter how many times i shove my finger down my throat nothing comes up, and i feel so helpless and self-hating that i cut myself. yesterday i slammed my fist into the mirror after cutting and bruised my hand. i had a nervous breakdown and stomped around the house screaming "i hate myself!"

it's turned into even more than just being fat, these past four or five months. i look at myself and i just see flaw after flaw, everywhere i look. my head's too small, my eyes are different shapes... i avoid going out in public, and when i do i hide under hair, hats and makeup.

my friends just tell my i'm pretty and leave it at that. i don't believe them. one of my best friends is anorexic, and everytime i talk to her about it i feel like a hypocritical bitch.

i just don't know what to do anymore. it's like nobody cares. i want to hide myself forever. i think the only reason i have any friends is because they feel sorry for me.

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i'd rather be hated for who i am than loved for
something i'm not. -Kurt Cobain

exercise.
go outside.
eat healthy foods. they taste good too.
try the vegetarian foods. like boca burgers, or stuff from mornging star.
those are healthy and they taste REALLY good.

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i climb, i slip, i fall, reaching for your hands
but i lay here all alone, sweating all your blood.

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it's not that simple! i try to exercise. eating healthy isn't as easy as it seems. my house is full of junk food and my parents and friends just don't get it. i'm surrounded by bad foods.

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my mom raised me to love food, love butter, love salt and fat and grease. i didn't care as a kid, but now i can't stand the way i look. i'm 5'3 and i weigh 155 pounds. i used to use food to cope with my emotions, but when i stopped doing that, i started cutting. now, it's both.  

it's turned into a vicious cycle. i eat. i feel bad. i try to purge, but no matter how many times i shove my finger down my throat nothing comes up, and i feel so helpless and self-hating that i cut myself. yesterday i slammed my fist into the mirror after cutting and bruised my hand. i had a nervous breakdown and stomped around the house screaming "i hate myself!"

it's turned into even more than just being fat, these past four or five months. i look at myself and i just see flaw after flaw, everywhere i look. my head's too small, my eyes are different shapes... i avoid going out in public, and when i do i hide under hair, hats and makeup.

my friends just tell my i'm pretty and leave it at that. i don't believe them. one of my best friends is anorexic, and everytime i talk to her about it i feel like a hypocritical bitch.

i just don't know what to do anymore. it's like nobody cares. i want to hide myself forever. i think the only reason i have any friends is because they feel sorry for me.

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First I'd like to say 5'3 and 155 pounds is not fat. It may not be stick thin, but it is certainly not fat. There are MILLIONS of people way way way bigger than that. Second. I know how you feel. I have had eating problems my whole life and my parents never tried to even control my eating as a kid and stop me from getting fatter.  I am actually going to be going on an antidepressant soon and I pray it does nothing but good things for me. I am 20 years old now and still struggling. I would give the advice to help yourself mentally. Whether it be medication, self help books for depression/eating disorders, therapy etc. Because it took me YEARS to learn that no matter how many diets I went on, no matter how many times I tried to eat healthy....it is NOT going to work if you have an eating problem. Because the eating problem is in your head, not in your body. So in order to lose weight, and control your eating, you HAVE to help yourself mentally. If you're not ready to see a doctor go look up self help techniques and natural medications to take.